It was just a beautiful day.  I had one of my girls.  We were going horse backing.  We were having so  much fun.  Then we decides that we have to get ready because we're going to buy a, going out for diner, and wanted to take all of our kids.  Four of the girls were coming.  So we, I got all the kids ready, got myself also, and then we went to go get ready I mean went for...

Oh you're gonna keep it anyway...

Um, we got ready to get in the car.  We were talking about what we were going to do, what are you going to have for dinner, and the little kids were so cute.  We got then and we started eating.  Then, I started to get a headache.  Not a little well at the beginning it was just a little headache...

Am I supposed to be looking at that...

Mores

You can look at me.

Jane

Oh, thank you... Its starting to get this headache and at the beginning it was just a small headache.  then it got worse and worse.  My husband said, "perhaps did you have too much to drink," and I said, "no not at all," and the headache got worse and worse.  So we decided that we're going home, right away.  At that time also, one of the little girls was helping me to open the uh door and I said, "Oh, you hit me," and she, what I found out later she did not, I did not, she did not hit me...  In the car then it got worse and worse.  So, they all said, "why don't you lay down and relax or put it back."  So, I did and then I was asleep.  That was a long time and it was quiet.  it was just calm.  then I heard my husband crying which was not quite normal for him crying, I mean crying Crying.  Then my mom was there crying.  my sister was there and I wanted to say I'm fine, I'm fine.  Then the next thing I remembered, I guess its called waking up and I had been crying and crying and crying.  I didn't know where I was.  I had no idea, but Phil my husband was right there and he said, "you're ok, you're going to be fine." I kind of looked where I was.  I still didn't know and he said, "you had a stroke."  And I was thinking I couldn't have a stroke I'm only 40.  But he said, "a stroke," but he said, "you're gonna get just back to normal."  So, I believed him.  This was at the beginning.  Then I kind of found out that I was at the hospital.  Then I started to find out that um there's a lotta nurses there's some doctors.  Everyone wants to touch me.  Um it was really uncomfortable people moving all of the time.  I do remember, my right hand it was sitting right here like and I hold, I hold it like I was, like it was a baby, but to me that's what it felt like.  It was a baby that I was holding my hand.  I guess I didn't think about it, it was just what I did.  All of the sudden everyone decided now I start getting up or trying and I didn't even think about it, but I was laying down.  I'd been laying down for I guess probably at least a week a week and a half.  They decided that I have to get in a wheel chair.  I have never gotten in a wheel chair all my life.  It was no fun, first it was young little boy's, it seems like young men, picking me up, touching me and I didn't like it at all.  So, I believe what I did was, instead of trying to go with em, I tried not to. I wouldn't do anything.  I wouldn't help.  Not that I couldn't have done much, but I really couldn't do much.  Finally, I decided I'm gonna help with them and I went in the wheelchair  and got to see more people and people were laughing and that and I wanted to say Hi and there was nothing, that's when I got scared.  I was like, I can't walk, I can't speak.  That's kinda scary.  I met a lot of therapy people there to help me.  They were nice I'm sure.  Some were better for me some or not, but one that was the, I thought was the meanest was the one that tried to help me to get up and I didn't like her at all, but if I could speak to her now I'd like to say thank you thank you.  I can walk and I'm so so happy.  Speaking was kind of a joke.  they started with um try to say Ah.  Well Ah sounds very simple.  Ah was, I didn't know how to do that at all.  Then I could said Hi, it was like yeah she can speak you know.  Then I was excited and I thought I can get better.  I think maybe I can get better.  This was probably um the first  I believe it was around um four months that I worked at this and I was still at the hospital.  They said, "now its time for you to go home," and at that time I was like home.  I was so scared.  I I actually cried and said, "I don't want to."  Even though with the little kids that I have I was scared really really scared, but with my kids and my husband I decided OK here lets go and I'm going to try.  So, we went home.  It was great, but everyone was trying to do it for me because they loved me and that's they were trying to help me, but I know for sure the only way you can do it is, with help, is to do it by yourself.  But at that time still didn't know and they didn't know yet that that's how it works....  I then started to go to a, I don't believe what it is called I don't know exactly, I believe it was just another place to help people so I stayed every week, everyday, excuse me, everyday I would stay with them and they'd have food for me.  They would try to help me to speak.  They also um help me to do coffee and small things like um salad.  So I was trying to be back to normal.  Back to normal is still kind of funny.  But it got better and finally they said, it's time for you to go home and this was um seven months yes. Luckily thank goodness, there was a high school, I mean a college there just for people who had strokes or accidents.  So, I went there.  It was really really great for me. Um, there were very nice people that had the strokes or the accidents.  They were very nice to each other.  The therapy people were very very good and I really really enjoyed.  I couldn't, as I said, couldn't say much at that time but a little bit and still I started to smile finally.  I hadn't smiling, I hadn't smiled, probably since the stroke.  After a year and a half by my choice I wanted to keep on going to get better because they had computers, they had a lot of things that could help.  You could speak and then it would do it again and again, but then we had to move.  So, everything changed again.  I was thrilled to going back to we called the river which was right on California Arizona and we moved, we had a place there on the water.  So, we decided that we'd all go and stay there.  It was better for the kids for the school.  So, that's what we did.  I was very very very happy at that time because I felt like a normal person.  I had the same friends I had before.  Most were very almost the same as always. If anything bad it was too nice, but they meant it.  I had learned to drive after...  Yeah let me a second

The beginning of walking is slow, or was for me, but it went fast once it started once it really started.  So I was walking about 2 miles after 7 months from the stroke.  Which great, that was just great.  For doing my right hand was not very good at that time, it was just down relaxed.  Speaking was still the problem that was a the hardest thing for me.  People made me smile, that helped.  I think that what helped more than anything on that was a good friend would just sit and talk with me or try to talk but he didn't push me at all.  It wasn't just therapies that made you do a certain thing.  this should be normal speaking, not what I'm told to do.  By doing this with my friend after, its 6 years, he started doing this and it got great.  I won't say perfect, but I don't think anyone is perfect for speaking.  I was thrilled.  People would say, "I didn't know you had a stroke."  To me, that was like wow that's about the best thing in the world.  I do remember one thing that really really bothers me and really really bothers me, the doctors said after 3 months after I had the stroke they said, I will never get better.  I will, should be, put in a home for the rest of my life.  Luckily my husband said, "she's too ornery to have just that."  He said, "she will not speak on purpose," and he was right.  They weren't, the doctors, were not speaking to me.  They were talking about me like I was not a person that was awful.  If a doctor will speak to the person even when they're sick and they don't quite understand that help's so much.  I know that doctors only have to take a class for half a year for speaking to the patients.  Excuse me, that is totally stupid, I believe that's what I'd call it.  Doctors should learn to be able to get a long to speak with sick people or people that don't understand or try at least and perhaps, not smiling all the time, but a little smile would help a ton.  I decided to do this all by myself and I did this for, I left my family less than a year after I had the stroke because everyone was being too nice to me.  They did everything for me.  So I got an apartment which I wouldn't say that was a bright however it helped me.  I went to school, by taking the bus, which was interesting since I didn't do it before, but it helped me a lot because I felt like an important person finally.  As I said, I'm not going to say that was bright to have done that, but it worked for me.  Normally, I've never spoken about my family at all but I think now perhaps I should.  I got better from my stroke and I honestly believe that   my kids and my husband are still hurting from the stroke.  No one goes and speak, talk to them.  No one helps them how to get over the stroke.  My kids are now over than more than 20 years old and they still cry about it.  My husband, occasionally when he does talk about this, he cries about it.  And no ones ever helped the family.  The family is part of the person that has the stroke.  How, how that, how that gu be.  How could it.  Who could help to do this?  Probably um therapy perso, not therapy I'm sorry it would be counselor would help a lot.  Just for the kids so they would talk to other kids that either their mom or dad had the stroke.  They could sit and laugh that perhaps that your mom uh can't say this and she laughs.  It would really really help if that would happ, if it would happened.  Most people would say, "now after 12 years how are ya?"  Now I can tell you for sure that I am happy.  No one in the world can understand this probably but It, I am happier.  I don't believe that there is something called er, but I honestly believe I'm better than I was.  Things have changed, yes.  I can't play tennis.  That's true.  I speak to people that are interesting, people that I probably care more than I used to and everyone has problems and they come and talk to me.  They said, "oh my momma had a stroke," or that and I can help them just the hurt that they have also.  I'm thrilled that I'm doing this.  So what do you do for the rest of your life after a stroke?  Be happy, do the best you can, and smile.

I remember how hard it was, what I wanted to eat.  It was so funny because I knew exactly what I wanted but everyone in the world doesn't know what it is and it's amazing there's lots of different things.  I remember I was trying to get um, I believe it was, everyone knows that I like coffee, but actually I wanted iced tea.  Well, to say iced tea when I couldn't say it was most people wanna say what do you want and you can't say it so they coffee and you say no the one important thing is, not necces you don't have to smile neccesarily but you have to make it kind of a it's fun to do trying to find out what it is so instead of I didn't want coffee so I wanted them to come the right number I mean the right name and it was, I said it was going to be iced tea, so I'd say, when they said "coffee," and I'd say, "no."  I do believe I could say tea and they said "oh tea," but I didn't mean hot tea.  So I'd say, we'd play, its a game kind of.  People get, I get, real tired doing it but that's what I had to do so I could start speaking.  If you can find people that will play the little game its great.  Um, that helped me so much to do this.  My kids were young at that time so for them it was fun to play my little game what I want to eat.  Then when we were going after food now we're talking about something else.  Like you wanna go somewhere and perhaps you can't at that time you can't drive.  And so you say well of course you want to go to the, most women like to go to the mall.  Well I don't like the mall, and I don't like to buy clothes.  I, that's not my thing.  I, perhaps we want to go see a movie.  So what you do is it's really easy to do it you just have to think what you want it for it to be like um if I'm saying that I want to go to a movie you have to kinda show what it  be like and people then start trying with and it really is fun.  Um, I could say I pretend like I'm singing and they say oh a rad-io and I'd say no well I could say no.  No is really easy always.  So you say no so then they go OK its not that.  So then, you keep playing this game until you have the right thing and it does work it takes a while to learn to does this um it turn it means that I have to do my part and the person who's playing perhaps this game of what its going to be.  This really important when you're gonna go see the doctor this is really funny so in a way.  First thing is you, if you can write which would be wonderful but i can't write well, you have to you have lot if you're by yourself then you look at magazines or something and you find what it is and then you, well for me I had to write that down.  So you could say exactly what you want when you go to see the doctor.  Doctors are always in a hurry now and it's important that you tell the doctor that you need extra time when you're gonna come.  They will do it.  It doesn't cost anymore.  You just have to say you want it please when you call.  That really really helped the doctor will try to help you as much as you can try also.  Then you can go lets see um there's so many other things we could play with this, my little game.  Alright you decided to go out for dinner and you're going to have a steak.  That sounds really simple.  Steak you think well yeah I want steak, but then they're gonna say uh medium rare and all the other ones.  Well at the beginning I couldn't say that.  Normally I would have someone write it down so I just had it with me always and that helped.  But if not then I had fish instead because I knew I could eat.  You get tired of that after a while.  The other problem with that is people when you say what you're gonna have to eat even if someone says you want your uh things cut they say "why."  First luckily in San Diego they are or they were I don't have no idea, If they were there supposed to be polite and just listen to what they say and give it what you say.  What happened is they would say why.  I didn't wanna say that I can't cut my right hand, use my right hand, most people are, well I know for sure me, you're tired of being embarrassed for that you can't use your hand or one part is not working well, you wanna just be a normal person you do not want to have to say oh poor you because we don't feel like poor use up until they start embarrassing us.  There's lots more things you can do, one way is to I don't know if you can is be great to go to school if you can even though you can read and everything else just to have people that will they understand that they're learning something.  Believe it or not these people care a little bit that it's hard for us to walk or speak almost all people do help and normally I didn't want help all the time but it sure is nice.  By going to school you learn lots more things.  For me since I couldn't read or write well um they have tapes but I didn't know that until I went to school and its free, it doesn't cost extra.  Every state is a little bit different, but almost for sure you can find a place where  you can, If not call maybe your doctor or your therapy person or the school perhaps they would say.  You would feel much better if you had done something that seems important.  I know one of the bad things when your can't walk or can't speak well it seems like you end up all by yourself and no one listens anymore um and reading all the time or watching TV is doesn't look like fun.  If you can do something, anything, that you enjoy.  Some people like to cook.  Some people like to write down what we need for dinner.  Anything like that you feel important and help someone else.  I know we should be thinking about us but helping someone else helps us.  Really really important that kept me going is smiling, laughing, fun.  There's gotta be something to keep on going to keep on trying.  My kids when they were young that helped they made me laugh and then we could laugh about me at the same time.  Some people that if your by yourself you have to perhaps find a group that you can go and just part of the time maybe.  Oh, I don't know three hours a day, I mean a week would be enough just to start and then you might find something that you never knew that was fun that you liked.  I used to like to play tennis.  Well, it doesn't look like I can do that now.  Um so, I found other things that was fun.  I like playing um, even thought I can't read, I can play bridge.  That is fun.  People don't make fun anymore once you start playing a game or something, something like that.  I do remember that I loved playing um bowling.  Now believe it or not a person that can't, that's one thing you can do who can't speak well.  You can do that and laugh and have fun.  So if you try to have some people with you always not to help but just to have fun.  You might say that why is fun important.  Fun to make you happy is how you live and live long...

I have to stop I just totally lost...

One of my favorite thing that I used to do, used to was reading a book.  Just the most, best thing to relax and do.  You stay by yourself and you can pretend what I think it is.  The book is great so I thought I think everyone after I had the stroke they started sending the tapes for the books.  Well for me at that time I did not like it.  It's not what I wanted it is some said it and its not the same so I kinda gave up for that so I thought well I'll try and read again.  I had tried right at the beginning and had so many things going on at the same time.  I was tried walking and I was trying to get better with my right hand and at that time you can't have too many things going on at the same time.  I found out that, I'm talking about me and no one else, is that I can only think about one thing at a time. I think other people are like that normal normal people I'll say that.  But for me after the stroke its really important that I could only think of one thing.  I could talk about walking is most important so I have to be careful that I don't fall.  So, then I thought well I'll go and try to write a letter to a friend and it was like the hardest thing in the world that I knew what I wanna say but I don't even, i did not even, I had no idea how to start so I thought well ok then I'll just start um looking at books and see if I could find the right name that I want to say it and I tried doing this so I would send cards to my friends.  Because by doing that it would be over two hours to, to write the right part of each thing so it says exactly what you're thinking about.  You want to talk about tired I think I started after that I wanted to call instead.  The bad part is a letter that stays forever, and by calling you forget what they say.  So, I thought OK I'm gonna try again.  I think I've tried ever year to read again.  Um, I will never say that I will never be able to read well.  I will say its gonna be hard and it has been for me especially.  I read the paper always every day and but I have to make sure I have someone else say read the same thing and ask is that what I thought it meant. The reason is um I could miss one teeny little part and it doesn't mean like that anymore its totally what I thought I was, what it was saying...

What else do you want me to do on on...

I guess I could start I mean I guess I could say towards the end is when you're born you walk. The babies just starts learning to walk and then they learn to read and then they keep on going.  It doesn't mean just because that I had a stroke and I had to go back all at again all at the beginning because I had to walk I couldn't speak and now I can do that.  I am just thrilled about this.  I'm sure no on could believe the truth that I'm happier now after the stroke I have learned lots of new things most important of other people how much I can do just  by myself.  It is not an end for the stroke it is just the beginning.

I thought that was pretty good um You wanted me to go back to your um let me go back to it driving OK.  After three years after the stroke I thought I was ready to try to see if I can drive a drive I mean a car a car was like wow that would be something back to normal again.  First one thing was I had to go to a hospital to be checked for this to drive then someone went with me in a car just to kind of practice to make sure because I was only, I could not use that one hand anymore so I can only drive my left.  I will say it costs quite a bit of money for someone to come and teach me to drive again. I still knew how to drive.  I was a little bit rusty yes but its just like once you can use a bike it's about the the same as a car, once you can do it you can.  The one thing you have to, I had to learn is it was a little different how farther away than it is before.  Uh so I'd have to be careful how close to other cars.  It took um I believe it was four months for a man teaching me to drive, but then I had to go take the test.  Oh boy scary.  Now just think about this I could not read so they said of course now they have it so they can do it by uh listening with a tape but the tape was going too fast and I couldn't get that either.  So I thought oh that's it man the end.  Then they said no we have another one that they can do we will ask you and you either say yes or no and I said yeah I can do that.  Well, I actually couldn't say it, but I smiled.  So, that's what I did and I got a, well they don't give you a 99 or a lousy, I got it I could drive.  It was a wonderful wonderful thing for me.  I felt, Oh I don't even know how to say what it was like.  It was just, I won't say heaven, but boy it was pretty close.  I know driving is so important especially for all of us for jobs and to see your family or friends.  It can be done not everyone I wont gonna say that its really important some people can't but man its great to try and it was just wonderful.  That's all I have on that one...

Every time I go to get food the first thing people see is that I can't walk well.  Not, that I'm smiling.  Not, that I'm happy.  People are really thinking about them. So I'm still getting more food going around from one to another till someone says, "do you need some help."  Now some times you don't need it so you say, "no thanks."  Quite normal or one is way up and man I couldn't get it if I was just fine as could be.  So that is wonderful.  When that happens and people start talking sometimes and they would say "did you have an accident," and I said "no," and then we keep talking and talking.  Then I find out that their dad had a stroke or so I end up having more friends and more friends because most people look at me so they know my name sometimes and I have no idea what their name is.  I will remember that I they smiled and they've helped.  People are really interesting.  There are good friends.  To me a good friend is one that would do anything even if you're lousy.  If you're mean, they would still take care of you or be with you and smile or try.  I'm saying me not just because of the stroke this is just people.  Then there's people that you see sometimes.  Those people they say "hi," walking by.  Sometime that is a friend but some is not.  Some that like at the bank where you go they say "have a nice day."  Now is that a friend?  I guess what I'm trying to say about friend is good friends will always be here.  They do not care that you had a stroke.  They don't care that occasionally you were grumpy.  You love them period. Remember like if you had, if you had a baby do they have to be perfect, I don't think so, you love period.  If you have one friend that is a real friend try to keep it always.  That is the most important thing.  It is like gold.  Goal is what I am trying to say.  Your friend will be there always.  They won't make fun you can actually say that you hurt and no one will say "Oh how boring god oh."  You a good friend is just makes you easier to live. After when you have your stroke people that were your friend supposedly decide that they don't call anymore. Yeah I got five zillion things of flower things when I had my stroke but I don't even I haven't seen em period.  So do remember your good friends if you don't have any friends man find one.  All you have to do is say "Hi."  Why not let's try...

I was still at the hospital and I was kind of talking to my husband saying that I want to be there when the doctors are there.  I want for my family to be there.  I want to hear what they're going to say about me.  This was me.  Finally they said oh ok I guess they'll let me have me there and I thought I'm the one who's supposed to, I should be there.  Why on earth did they have to think that I couldn't think at all.  So I went and I guess there were probably four doctors, my mom was there, my husband, and I believe there were three therapy people that were there also and we all sat there and everyone started talking.  Now I didn't speak at that time and they just one doctor looking to another person talking about me.  They said "Jane, Jane, Jane," not one person looked at me Jane.  They didn't ever think that I, well it seemed like it wasn't important that I was there, and it hurt and mad or both or probably other things too.  After that when it was over they were choosing if they were gonna put me at a home for the rest of my life and I couldn't speak.  It was the most terrible feeling that you couldn't say what you thought.  I wanted to scream.  But I guess what I did after was I just cried.  After, not while they were there because heavens no I wouldn't do that.  I cried and I felt like I wasn't even a person anymore.  Luckily my husband, even though I couldn't say anything, he went and talked to the doctors again and said that I do understand what's going on and he said that I was hurt because no one spoke to her, spoke to me, and he was right.  No one looked to me and it was my body; it was my life.  Luckily, as I said, Phil said "Yeah."  So they said "well maybe she maybe she understands."  So that's when I got to get go to another place to start working with me and I did well.  I smiled.  I made coffee for everyone.  Um, did I like where I was?  No, my house was prettier. However because of that help of trying to say, if Phil hadn't talked to the doctors again I wouldn't be here.  Its hard to think about that I guess but.  You have to remember if you can't speak you don't have to scream, but you have to let them know that you're there.  That's all.